Well, what can you do?
For no apparent reason, and totally randomly as usual, I decided to write another post about, well, whatever you could possibly be interested in. I enjoy the stream of consciousness that usually results from an exercise like this, and journaling is a satisfying method for slowing down your mind since you’re required to run through your thoughts, pick the once that needs extra processing, and put them into a coherent string of units. Usually, the result is something like this: (Meta again … Yep, it’s the fashion word!).
So, once again, I seem to be in a loop of construction and deconstruction of one idea, just the way it happens at times, and not at all a solely unhealthy loop to be in if there’s still new information coming into the idea. An unhealthy version of a deconstruction loop is when the idea disintegrates, and the disintegration is by and large caused by close-mindedness and a sense of ineffectiveness in dealing with it. A healthy loop requires integration of new pieces to make the idea or the hypothesis better, and I’m not even sure it’s adequate to call it a loop after all, since all ideas are, in a sense, paradigmatic and exists within previously established discourse.
I’ve had a bunch of thoughts about starting a more serious, purely conceptual blog beside this one. I want to play with some concept of an anthropoid entity learning to understand the basics of natural language and establish cognitive categories with all its paradoxes and ambiguity, starting from the simplest possible unit of information that can be written in standard ASCII text, for instance, the binary system, and work its way up through the mess. I’m still not sure how to do it in a credible way, though, because how do you write the thoughts and observation of the entity in a code of information perceivable to the human reader? Writing from the viewpoint of the entity wouldn’t really work in this case, because it’d require a level of detail that the entity currently wouldn’t be able to do, and so the thought closes in on itself. I’d have to create a meta-narrative, a kind of link between the entity and the potential, but for now imaginary, reader, without destroying the illusion of initial establishment of, well, something, thought, consciousness, or at least a self reflective entity. I have a few solutions to that which I’m not going to reveal just now, and at the moment I’m just learning about the golden ratio and the formula for calculating Fibonacci numbers. Just wait and see, it’s gonna get useful to this project at some point … Or I’m just procrastinating.
Other current projects, also potential procrastinating exercise: Learning python, learning Latin, reading about the perfect aspect and the construction of the present perfect tense and passives in German (not intentionally for four hours straight, which was what I ended up doing, as a meens of not doing something else, of course), feeding my misanthropic self with news stories establishing exactly, for the 1000th time, the infinite ways that the human species will destroy itself, reading nihilist literature, finishing the 4 books I’ve started and am now reading simultaneously, continue to record audio streams and sound bites,, and maintaining my sleep cycle, or something of that nature.
I just know I’m going to have an interesting time with the aforementioned anthropoid project once I do start writing, and that the funny little obsticle will have to do with actually getting started instead of continuing the endless amount of research you could do prior to the writing process itself. I usually get lost in the research and never actually get around to manifest my ideas in any physical form, and even in this blog I’m mostly scrabbling all the stuff as it explodes instead of waiting for some kind of stabilisation to occur. Chances are that the order is not gonna last long anyway, and stability has an unfortunate tendency to bring along with it a potentially lethal scrutiny for accuracy.
After all, what can you do? What are you required to do independent of the values which have been placed in you by society and culture? Really? Anything at all?
You can live all your life as an observer of states in the universe, of people, of ideas, and that might well make your personal encyclopaedia expand. I sometimes feel like I’m multiple persons in a static space-time. It’s all possible. But how do you make yourself actively impose your effect on the universe? Do you just wait and see what happens because it’s all you can do, since eventually things are going to happen? Or do you want a specific thing to happen, try to account for all the variables of your desired future, and suddenly find that the present you thought you wanted in the experienced past isn’t what your ‘other’ self wants at all? Do you then go crazy, or do you just ‘go’?
And what would happen if you ultimately stopped going, and stopped the process of just looking for that ineffable shapeless object that changes depending on the angle you view it from, and ultimately you find out that you’ve been staring right at the point all along, and that the infamous object, along with all possible worlds, everything in them, including every possible version of yourself, every possible version of the chair you’re sitting in, and every possible version of complex linguistic segments making up propositions like ‘this sentence is false’, was actually somebody else’s problem?
H. P. Lovecraft specifically writes in his initial passage of ‘call of Cthulhu’ that the human mind’s inability to correlate all its content might be “the most merciful thing in the world”, and that if we ever managed to peace together all our knowledge we should “either go mad from the revelation or flee into the safety of a new dark age”. Douglas Adams write in a similar manner about the total perspective vortex, a device that lets you view everything in the infinite universe and yourself in relation to it, which he describes as the ultimate torture experience that nobody returns unaltered from.
Here’s the scary part, though: I still want to be in the total perspective vortex, to go mad for the price of knowing, to see the overpowering illusion and insignificance of my existence, and obviously I want to be proven wrong in all my assumptions … and still, I’d like to think that I’d be perfectly content with my life. Impossible? Yes, of course. But really, what can you do?